The phone rang in my office at 3:30 in the afternoon.
“Hey, Dad, this is Jacob.” Jacob has seldom called me at work, usually only to ask a favor or pass on information.
“Hey, pal, what’s up?
“I just have a question.”
“Go ahead,” I said.
“When is it OK to kiss a girl?”
I was stunned. He was twelve years old, and I knew this discussion was coming one day, but I was still taken back, especially by his directness. I did not want to make any assumptions, so I asked, “Are you asking because you are thinking about kissing a girl?”
“Um . . . yeah.”
“How long have you known her?”
“A while.”
“Are you going steady with her?”
“Dad, nobody uses that phrase anymore.”
“OK, is she your girlfriend?”
“Kind of.”
“This is going to be kind of strange, pal, but can you get out a piece of paper?”
“Sure,” he said. I heard the paper rustling in the background.
“Now, I want you to draw a triangle, and then I am going to answer your question,” I said.
Over the next twenty minutes I explained the relationship between physical intimacy and relational commitment. Then Jacob said, “I think I get it, Dad. That makes a lot of sense. Thanks.”
For at least one day I felt like I had parented well.
A Silent Church in a Sex-Obsessed Culture
Contemporary society is obsessed with sexuality and lust. Our magazines are dripping with it; our television programs are obsessed with it; much of our music is nothing short of a series of odes to lust covered in the veneer of love. We are fascinated with sexuality. People live for sex, kill for sex and die because of sex. Over fourteen thousand sexual references are made on TV per year; the average person will view over one hundred thousand of those references in his or her lifetime. An actress on a popular crime drama was asked why her character wore such low cut, revealing outfits (forensics experts usually wear smocks). She answered, “The more cleavage the higher the ratings.” We have become so desensitized to sexual imagery that advertisers know that they must use provocative images just to get our attention.
Christians (as well as Muslims, Jews and even nonreligious yet morally concerned people) have tried to stand against the culture and maintain the position that sexual purity, chastity, and fidelity are important. We can go to church, pray, sing hymns and set our minds on things above, and then go home, watch a football game on TV, and be exposed to dozens of commercials and ads for upcoming shows that are full of sex and violence.
My son had seen all those images, heard a lot of misinformation from school friends and was caught in the bewilderment of his own natural desire. Who will help these young people? In fact, who will help us older folk who must find a way to live faithfully in this sexually confused culture. There are two dominant narratives my son had heard—one from the church, the other from popular culture. Both are false, and both lead to frustration and failure. Dallas Willard notes, “The two main errors in the area of human sexuality are these: (1) assuming that all sexual desire is good, and (2) believing that all sexual desire is evil.”
The false Christian Narrative: All Sexual Desire is Evil
The first narrative says that sexual desire is inherently sinful. It has been dominant in Christian circles from the beginning of church history. There are many early Christian writers to whom we can trace this belief, but perhaps the most famous is the brilliant and influential writer Augustine of Hippo. Augustine, writing in the fourth and fifth centuries, was of the opinion that sexual desire was sinful. He even said that sexual intercourse transmits original sin and is essentially sinful.
Augustine wrestled with lust throughout his life, which is clear when you read his Confessions. Augustine prayed, “Lord, make me chaste, . . . but not yet,” which is a clear indication of inner conflict. He eventually adopted the narrative that sexual desire is bad; complete celibacy is good. Augustine’s writings have dominated the thinking of most Christians—Catholics and Protestants—for the past fifteen hundred years. But he was not the only person who adopted this narrative.
Throughout the history of the church—before and after Augustine—few Christian thinkers espouse a positive position on human sexual desire. The vast majority speak of sexuality as dark, evil and sinful. Up to the medieval period, some of the most spiritually dedicated men and women lived in monasteries, where they would rarely see someone of the opposite sex, lest they be tempted to sin. Even in our day many churches have difficulty articulating a balanced view of human sexuality.
The church’s narrative is not broadcast but comes through relative silence: don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t talk about sex. Of course, youth pastors occasionally address the subject, but with fear and trembling, parental permission, and a measure of embarrassment. But it is rarely addressed from the pulpit or in Sunday school. The subject is taboo. Yet those sitting in the pews are having affairs, struggling with pornography and wrestling with lust as Augustine did.
Which of these false narratives were you most exposed to growing up? How did this affect your life?
By refusing to address sexuality, we imply it is sinful. Our silence causes confusion, leads to ignorance and further separates our souls from our bodies. When we hear about the sexual failings of our pastors and priests, we are doubly shocked: How could a holy person do such a thing? we wonder in anguish. Christians, it appears, come up from the waters of baptism having been made “eunuchs for the kingdom.” Our silent narrative leads to shame and denial about something that ought to be affirmed.
The false Worldly Narrative: All Sexual Desire is Good
The second false narrative comes from contemporary Western culture: “All sexual desire is good.” This narrative is not a product of the twentieth or twenty-first centuries. The sexual attitudes and behaviors of the Roman emperor Caligula or some of the Greek philosophers would make us blush. It may be more pervasive today though.
The narrative that all sexual desire is good became accepted in American culture in the 1960s as young people espoused free love. Hugh Hefner created the “Playboy Philosophy,” which taught that sex is a purely natural act and that everyone ought to have as much as they want. Today we see it most clearly in television and movies, where the majority of sexual activity occurs outside of marriage. In music videos barely clothed women dance provocatively and the lyrics are lusty compositions about the joys of sex. The implicit narrative is that the good life is the lust-filled, sexually libertine life.
About the only restriction on sexual behavior today is that we must never harm or take advantage of another person. Sexual activity must always be consensual. Beyond this, the dominant narrative is, “If people want something, it is acceptable.” This has opened our culture to practices that historically have been rejected. Things that formerly shocked us now barely register a response. In an age of tolerance we have simply become desensitized.
A Measure of Truth
How did these narratives become so prevalent? Both contain a measure of truth, as do all of the false narratives. Yes, sexual desire does lead people to behaviors they later regret. It is behind extramarital affairs, promiscuity and Internet pornography, but it is wrong to blame the desire itself. We don’t say the desire for food is evil because it leads some people to gluttony, or that thirst is evil because it leads some people to drunkenness.
Our culture’s narrative also contains some truth: sexual desire is indeed good. God’s first command to Adam and Eve was to “be fruitful and multiply,” which concerned sexuality. It was designed by God; it is how we perpetuate the species and is a great enhancement to marriage. But simply because it is commanded by God does not mean there are no boundaries; simply because it is natural does not mean it is always right; simply because it feels good does not mean it is always good. Not all sexual desires and expressions are good, and not all are bad.
Jesus’ Narrative: Epithumia Is the Problem
Jesus knew how important sexuality is, how it can destroy life or enhance life. He spoke to the issue in Sermon on the Mount. Unfortunately, it is often misunderstood, which contributes to our problem with sexuality.
You have heard that it was said, “You shall not commit adultery.” But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away; it is better for you to lose one of your members than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away; it is better for you to lose one of your members than for your whole body to go into hell. (Matthew 5:27-30)
This passage has led many to believe Jesus is saying that simply looking at a woman lustfully is the same as committing adultery. It certainly appears that way. But a closer look reveals something different.
Explain how a lustful person has the same inner condition as an adulterer?
The word that is used for lust in this passage is epithumia. This word had a very specific meaning. It does not refer to ordinary sexual attraction but to intentionally objectifying another person for one’s own gratification. When I discuss this issue with students, I describe it this way: Epithumia is not referring to the first look but to the second. The first look may be simple attraction, but the second look is leering. Lust does not value the person but mere body parts.
Epithumia goes beyond mere sexual attraction. It intentionally cultivates sexual desire for the sake of the feeling itself. It is the opposite of love. Love looks into the eyes; epithumia steals glances below them. Love values the other as a person; epithumia degrades the other. We must make a clear distinction between attraction and objectification, between feeling sexual desire and epithumia. When we fail to make the distinction, we adopt the first false narrative and think that sexual attraction is evil in itself.
One day I was walking on the beach with my brother, engaged in a deep conversation about God. A beautiful young woman in a bikini was walking in our direction, and of course we both noticed her. When she passed by we looked at each other and said, “Wow.” Now, had we sinned at that point? I don’t think so. If we had not noticed, we would not be sexual persons. The response was completely acceptable in my view. Now, had we turned and followed her, focusing our eyes on her body, dreaming of a sexual encounter with her, we would have sinned. We would have crossed over from simple sexual attraction to epithumia. But we didn’t.
A New Kind of Person
Jesus is teaching about the difference between inner and outer right-eousness, and on becoming a new kind of person in the kingdom of God. Jesus is most concerned with the heart, particularly with developing a good heart. A good heart is free from objectification for the sake of self-gratification. In the kingdom of God we are being transformed into a new kind of person, based on our new identity as “one indwelt by Christ.” Such persons will develop inner character that is not dominated by sexual desire.
In Jesus’ day adultery was defined as sexual contact between persons, at least one of whom is married, who are not married to each other. The difference between our day and Jesus’ day is that adultery was applied almost exclusively to women. A man, even a married man, could have sex with other women, including slaves and prostitutes. But a woman was allowed to have sex with her husband alone. The charge of adultery usually resulted in the execution of the accused woman. But in Matthew 5:27-30 Jesus is speaking directly to men.
Jesus explains to men that epithumia is a form of adultery. In adultery sexual desire triumphs over a person’s commitments. Adultery implies, “Fulfilling my desire is more important than fulfilling my commitment. I don’t care if I hurt others; right now all I care about is me.” The same is true of lust: valuing the other as a sacred being is tossed aside. Jesus brilliantly gets to the heart of the matter. He invites us into the kingdom in order to become new people—people who value and respect others.
Epithumia for Women
Some women have told me that they think epithumia is strictly a male problem: “I don’t objectify men’s body parts; I don’t look at men to cultivate lustful feelings.” But I believe that while there are women who do not lust the same way, they still wrestle with epithumia. It just gets expressed differently. (Please note that what I am about to say is not true of all women, just as it is not true of all men.)
Epithumia usually involves objectifying a body. But it can also involve objectifying a persona. While some women do not struggle with objectifying male bodies, they do struggle with objectifying a man’s persona. Take, for example, romance novels or chick flicks. A lonely and misunderstood woman is rescued by a man (“Dirk” or “Brock”) who whisks her away on his white horse (think Cinderella and you have the plot of 90 percent of romance novels). The man whispers into her ear that she is the woman of his dreams and he will love, care for and protect her forever.
Women are fulfilling emotional needs—to feel loved and valued, to feel special and sacred—through romance novels. Dirk provides that feeling. But Dirk is not real. And therein lays the problem. He is a fantasy. He is an object worth a second, third and fourth look. There is no interaction, no intimacy, no relationship, no mutual enhancement. The reader is simply fantasizing because it feels good.
I once remarked to a class of graduate students that I thought romance novels were a female version of porn. Most of the women were shocked at the comparison. But a few months later an older, single woman said to me, “When you compared romance novels to porn I was really offended because I read a lot of those novels. But I started to think about what you said, about objectifying the persona, which is really epithumia, and I realized you are right. I have a secret stash of my favorite romance novels, and they are all dog-eared at the juiciest parts so I could take a second look.” Dirk is really no different than the centerfold; it’s just that one is mental and other is visual.
If you are a woman who does not read romance novels or watch a lot of chick flicks, you may be thinking, Once again, this does not relate to me. But have you ever thought about how so-and-so has “the perfect husband” or “the ideal boyfriend”? Do you ever fantasize about the man of your dreams? This can be a form of epithumia.
Finally, many women struggle with Internet pornography. And some women are deeply troubled by how much they think about and desire sex. The point is that both men and women struggle with epithumia. The good news is that the solution to the problem is for both men and women.
Living in the Kingdom Is the Cure for Epithumia
Though the expressions may vary, what is the central issue both men and women share in the struggle with epithumia?
In the kingdom of God we learn a new set of stories. As we live in the kingdom we learn that God is good, and we learn to see everything through God’s eyes. Living in the kingdom, and thereby changing our false narratives to kingdom narratives, is the solution to overcoming epithumia. Too many people repeatedly try—and fail—to deal with lust through their willpower and tearful prayers but find no genuine change. We cannot change our heart by changing outer behavior alone. This is why Jesus spoke about plucking out our eye when it offends us.
Jesus was not speaking literally but was using a rhetorical device called reductio ad absurdum, meaning to reduce the argument to its logical absurdity. He was attacking the commonly held notion that sin resides in the offending part of the body. This is why some cultures cut off the hand of a thief. They reason: cut off the sinful part, and the sin will be gone. “If your right eye causes you to sin,” Jesus says, “tear it out.”
As Dallas Willard often jokes, “Jesus is not here advocating that we cut off every offending part so we can roll into heaven as a bloody stump!” He is taking their logic to that absurd conclusion. The problem is not in our hand or our eye—the lust is in our heart. To be sure, our body is involved in the act, but the real culprit is inward, in the imagination, in the heart. I lust—or cultivate lust (epithumia)—when I feel empty and have nowhere to put my strong desires. When I am not in close union with God and his kingdom, I have a void in my soul. I want to feel something, to be caught up in something, and when I am disconnected from God and his kingdom, one of the most thrilling alternatives is epithumia.
Epithumia allows me to feel a very strong and good sensation. But like the Turkish Delight candy in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, it does not satisfy but leaves us wanting more. The desire is so strong that we are prepared to do anything to have it. How does living in the kingdom of God help? When we are properly connected to God and his kingdom we find that the void is filled.
How might living closely with God in his kingdom help you deal with epithumia?
Living in the kingdom is like an adventure. I never know how and when God is going to work in my life, but God always seems to do something at the right time, in the right way. Not long ago I was working on a ministry project that was on the edge of failure. At precisely the right moment a new opportunity and new resources were made available. All I could do was smile. Working with God and his kingdom has been like that for me over and over.
In the kingdom we know who we are and whose we are. The need to feel loved, to be important, and to be sacred and special is met in our oneness with Christ. When I set my heart on things above (the kingdom) I discover that I am part of something thrilling and exciting—the divine conspiracy—and everywhere I turn God is at work. Now I have the drama I seek, and I have a place to channel my energies. Rob Bell observes,
If it’s just me against the lust, the odds are always against me. . . . Whatever it is that has its hooks in you, you will never be free until you find something you want more. It’s not about getting rid of desire. It’s about giving ourselves to bigger and better and more powerful desires. . . . Life is not about toning down and repressing your God-given life force. It’s about channeling it and focusing it and turning it loose on something beautiful.
Finally, because I know who I am and am secure (God is good and desires my good) I am free to see others in a new way. I no longer see them as objects to exploit but as real persons who God dearly loves.
Joy. Gratitude. Thanksgiving. Grace. These are kingdom words. When we live with God in his kingdom, we begin to love our life. Rob Bell says this is essential when dealing with epithumia: “Gratitude is so central to the life God made us for. Until we can center ourselves on what we do have, on what God has given us, on the life we do get to live, we’ll constantly be looking for another life.” Lust is really about spiritual hunger for God and his kingdom. Therefore our sexual problems are resolved when we enroll as Jesus’ apprentices in his glorious kingdom.
The Level of Appropriate Physical Intimacy
When I was in college, professor Richard Foster used a triangle diagram to answer essentially the same question my son had: What is the appropriate level of physical intimacy? Or how far is too far? The diagram helped me a great deal, and I hoped it would help my son. Imagine a triangle with one angle at the top. The two sides rising from the base represent two aspects of a relationship: one, the level of commitment, and the other, the level of physical intimacy. The base of the triangle represents a relationship with no physical intimacy and no commitment.
As the level of commitment rises, so can the level of physical intimacy. The point of the diagram is to illustrate that physical intimacy must be matched by an appropriate level of commitment. On a first or second date, for example, there is very little commitment, so kissing is not appropriate. But as the commitment level rises, the level of intimacy can rise as well because each person has been properly valued.
Think about people who engage in sexual activity without any commitment. They are diminished by it. Ask them later (especially as they are about to marry someone else) about their past, and inevitably they will feel regret, remorse or even shame. Something important transpires between sexually intimate persons. And that is the genius of Richard’s triangle: we are sacred beings and should treat one another as such. Where the two sides come together at the top illustrates that the highest act of physical intimacy—sexual intercourse—can only be sustained by the highest level of commitment—marriage.
The triangle illustrates something else that many Christians need to hear. Not all physical intimacy in developing relationships is evil and should be forbidden. I knew a guy in college who said he was not going to kiss his girlfriend until they were married. While the intention may be honorable, in reality it is not healthy. And it can lead to a very negative view of sexuality. A couple shared with me that when they went to Christian camps as teenagers they were told that all physical intimacy was sinful. Each year camp speakers would say they had given up dating and would not touch their spouse-to-be until their wedding night. They were lauded as role models. As a result, the teens were sent a clear message: physical intimacy is taboo. The couple said very honestly, “When we got engaged and then married, we had a hard time expressing physical intimacy because all we heard for years was the narrative, ‘Sex is bad and evil. So save it for marriage!’”
I shared the illustration with my son because I wanted to show him that physical intimacy is a good thing between people who are committed to each other. Nevertheless, the vast majority of sexual failure happens when physical intimacy exceeds commitment. But that does not mean we ought to abandon physical intimacy altogether. Within proper boundaries, it is a God-given gift to be treasured.
I remember performing the wedding of a committed and loving Christian couple. During premarital counseling the woman shared, with her fiancé present, “My fiancé had sexual intercourse with several women in his past. This hurt me because I saved myself for him. But he did that when he was young, and he has changed since he began following Christ. And we have waited until marriage. But I have to tell you that one day while praying about it, I realized that I will have to deal with that fact forever. That is a part of his soul.” Her words are very instructive. We are not just dealing with bodies but also with our souls. That is why this is such an important subject.
A few days after our talk I asked my son, “So, did you kiss that girl?” I had been careful not to give him a strict rule, but to allow him to figure it out on his own. Rules are easily rebelled against; wisdom is much better.
“Nah.”
“Why not?” I asked.
“The reason I asked you was because some of the kids at school were all saying it was cool just to kiss someone for fun, and one guy teased me because I hadn’t kissed a girl yet. But it didn’t seem right just to do it. The triangle thing made sense. I am not committed to her, and I don’t know her very well.”
I was so proud of him. He was so wise for his age. I would like to take some credit, but I think he wouldn’t have kissed even if we had not talked. There is one thing I am sure that Jacob knows: Christ dwells in him. I have been telling him that (well, the Holy Spirit has) since he was young. The fact that he said, “it didn’t seem right,” led me to believe he would have made the right decision, not because of a rule or a law but because he knows who he is. He didn’t need the triangle, but now he has it in his mind. When he goes on dates now my wife says to him, “Remember the triangle.” We all smile.
One Final Word
Over the years I have worked with many people, mostly men, who have struggled with epithumia. Their stories are painful and their anguish is very real. They say things like, “I want more than anything to change.” And yet, they come back again and again saying, “I still keep failing.” Some, however, come back and share that they have seen real change in their life, that they are no longer dominated by sexual desires. What made the difference? Is there any common denominator between those who find freedom and those who don’t?
To put it simply: We must really want to change. I know this sounds simplistic and even harsh to those who fail. “But I do want to change! How dare you say I don’t!” When I have probed deeply into the person’s heart, I have discovered that they do not really want to change; they merely dislike the consequences of the failure (the guilt, the embarrassment, the shame). In order to find freedom from lust a person must really be sick of it and understand its nature. Many have said they wanted to change, but in reality they nurse a love of lust. Promises, pledges and resolutions are no match for a heart that secretly cherishes sin and merely dislikes its consequences.
Those who have overcome epithumia have exposed it for what it is: a false and short-lived feeling of pleasure that ultimately harms life. We can begin to change only when we see epithumia for what it is. Then we need to cultivate something else in its place: a strong sense of our worth, love and appreciation for life in the kingdom, and healthy relationships that bring us the intimacy we long for. Then we find freedom. If you struggle with this, be encouraged. Countless people have overcome it.
Begin by praying for the desire to change. Ask God to instill wisdom to see epithumia for what it is. Pray for a strong desire for purity. This powerful prayer is often the first step toward real and lasting change.
Soul Training Media Fast
In this chapter we have discussed how sexually saturated our culture is. This week I am asking you to consider fasting from all media for two days. This will be challenging, but don’t be alarmed: so far no one has died from it. The forty-eight-hour media fast includes
the Internet
television
newspapers and magazines
radio stations
video games
iPods, mp3 players and stereos
What will you do with your time? How will you entertain yourself? Try playing a board game or card game with your friends. Read a book. One young woman said, “I probably spend four to five hours a day on MySpace and Facebook, so with all of that free time I ended up reading two books I have been wanting to read. It was great. And I didn’t miss a thing by not going on-line for forty-eight hours.”
Take a walk, get coffee with friends, exercise. You are beginning to change your mind (metanoia), which has been filled with false narratives about who you are and what life is about. For forty-eight hours free your mind from the junk; give some space to the Holy Spirit to renew your thinking. This is your way of saying, “I am not under the dominion of media. I am going to show that I can live without it.”
Though no one has died or been harmed by this exercise, it still may be a challenge. One young man said the temptation to check his Facebook page is the most difficult and painful thing he has faced in his Christian life. But he learned he can do it. He said, “So I figured, if I can say no to that—which was really, really tempting—then I can say no to the temptation of epithumia.” Brilliant connection! Some people think overcoming lust is impossible, as if it were as strong and compelling as gravity. But it isn’t. We choose to engage in epithumia, just as we choose to spend four hours in chat rooms or watching movies. We can say no!
