I was at a dinner party with ten couples, all of whom were very well educated. Someone introduced me to a man by saying, “Jim, here, teaches at a college.” The other man said, “Oh, an academic type. Great! I love to talk to fellow academics.” For the record, I have never thought of myself as an academic type. I just like to study and to teach. Nonetheless, the man started to tell me about a course he was teaching on literature. He said, “I think Hawthorne was the most brilliant writer of his generation, by far. Don’t you, Jim?”
“Well, he was quite good,” I said, having never read a single sentence of Hawthorne.
“Quite good? The best. Anyway, I was making this point that the genius of The Scarlet Letter is in its irony. I mean, the fact that the accusers are the true sinners, and the accused sinner is actually the most righteous character. Do you agree, Jim?”
“Well, uh, . . . yes, yes, I agree.”
Again, I had never read Hawthorne, but I now knew something he wrote. The conversation lasted another painful ten minutes, and each time he asked one of his questions I responded with a carefully crafted lie. I began to get nervous, afraid that at any moment he would ask an open-ended question I would be unable to answer. It would be clear I had never read the book, and everyone would know that I was a fraud, a fake, a liar.
So why did I persist? I had so little to gain and so much to lose. Why did I not respond to his very first question by saying, “Actually, as strange as this may seem to you, I have never read Hawthorne”? What kept me from being honest? The question is especially probing because I, like most everyone, think that lying is a sin. And like most people, I do not like being lied to. It feels disrespectful, at the very least. So I don’t like being lied to, I think it is a sin, and I know it offers little gain at a high risk.
How would you answer these really tough questions: How often do you lie? Do you consider yourself a liar? Reflect a bit on this practice in your own life.
There must be some narrative that drives this inconsistent behavior. To tell the truth, I lie a fair amount. And so do you, I suspect. We all lie a lot more than we realize because we have a strong and intricate system of rationalization that justifies our deceptions. I want to explore why we lie, what Jesus said about it and how we can begin to cure our need to lie.
Author David Callahan broadens the category of lying to include cheating, which is a form of lying. Cheating involves deception with the intent to gain something. Consider some of the following examples that Callahan cites:
Many wealthy parents take their kids “diagnosis shopping.” That is, they go to multiple doctors until they find one who will say their child has a slight learning disability because “an official diagnosis of disability will allow their kids more time on the SATs.” A better score may get them into a better college.
Personnel officers estimate that nearly 25 percent of the information they see on résumés is not just “padding” but “gross misinformation.”
A 2002 undercover sting operation in New Jersey found 350 examples of fraudulent practices at auto repair centers, “mainly for the performance of unnecessary repairs. Some estimates of the cost nationwide of auto-repair fraud run as high as $40 billion a year.” By the way, they only examined six auto repair centers.
Callahan concludes, “Americans are not only cheating more in many areas but are also feeling less guilty about it.” Something seems to have shifted in the last few decades. And yet, in study after study people still consider truth-telling to be one of the most important of all virtues. People feel violated when they discover they have been lied to. And yet we are a nation of liars. We are in conflict about this matter, “excusing our lies at the same time that we are appalled by the prevalence of dishonesty.”
We need to get inside the matter and discover the causes of lying. Once we understand it, we can get at the source of the problem and find ways to change.
False Narrative: I Need to Lie to Get By
Our behavior is rooted in our narratives. So if we are a nation of liars, there must be a narrative beneath the surface that encourages us or at least permits us to lie. Given that we have a deep need to think well of ourselves, when we lie we need an excuse.
I don’t want to have to deal with someone else’s hurt feelings.
It was just a white lie. I meant no harm.
If I told the truth, I would get in trouble.
The ends justify the means.
The essence of all of the excuses is utilitarian. This utilitarian narrative says, “I am important, and my well-being is my main mission. There will be times that I will need to lie in order to gain what I want or prevent something I do not want. That is why lying is OK.” It is a means-ends justification. The means (lying) may not in itself be morally right, but the ends (what we gain or what punishment we avoid) justifies the means. Thus the two main things that drive us to lie are: (1) fear of what will happen if we tell the truth, and (2) desire for personal gain if we lie. Let’s take a closer look at both of these.
Examine a recent lie you told. Was it driven by fear or desire?
Fear. Most of our lying is fear-based: we lie to avoid trouble. For example, a mother walks into the kitchen and sees her two-year-old covered with flour, and asks, “Billy, did you spill the flour?” The little boy thinks about the consequences of telling the truth, and without missing a beat, says, “No, mamma.” Why? Fear. He feared the consequences of telling the truth. Children, by the way, are usually terrible liars. It takes years to perfect the practice, because effective lying involves overriding our bodies. Even then, it is difficult to fool a lie detection machine. Our bodies seem to be opposed to lying.
When asked a question like “Did you cheat on that exam?” “Did you ever love someone before you met me?” or “Is that your best offer?” we are mindful that our answer will cause us either pain or pleasure, and we vastly prefer pleasure. One time I caught a student plagiarizing. I discovered that his entire paper was lifted from the Internet—every word. I asked him to come to my office. “Are you telling me that this paper is entirely your own work and that you did not use any other sources to help in this paper?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said, with defiance in his voice.
I pulled out a copy of the Internet article and handed it to him. He buried his hands in his face. He then confessed that the work was not his own. He had first lied to me by turning in a false paper, and lied again directly to me. One lie led to the next until he realized he was caught. Why did he do this? Fear. He told me he had procrastinated, and at the last minute used the Internet as a shortcut. He believed that if he turned in his own work, he would get a bad grade. He was afraid of getting a failing grade—afraid enough to commit a highly unethical act with great consequences.
Desire. We also lie when we think we might gain something we want. Over the past few years we increasingly hear stories of people who lied on their résumés in order to get a certain job. Desire propels them to lie. People lie about their age, their marital status, their education and their occupation in order to get something they want. They say they don’t intend to hurt anyone; they just want to be liked or accepted or get the job. We use a common rationalization that is tied to one of our dominant narratives. We tell ourselves: My needs are more important than anything else.
The false imperative narratives from the chapter on anger also contribute to the need to lie: “It is all about me, and I am alone.” The first clause justifies all of our actions; the second clause forces us to use our own resources, which are limited, to get what we want. One of our fleshly resources is deception. We can be sure that we are not operating within the kingdom when we choose to lie. We are running on our own strength. And it can and does often work. People lie on a résumé and get the job. People lie about the sale price and make more money. They are not in sync or in partnership with the kingdom, but they are getting what they want. And that is all they need to justify the actions.
These are two of the main reasons why we lie: we think we need to (1) in order to get what we want, or (2) to avoid something we don’t want. And if the universe revolves around us, then the lying is justified. We now have a narrative that allows us to sleep at night. Unfortunately, we are destroying the integrity of our own souls. According to Jesus, even if we gain the whole world but lose our soul, we have truly lost what is most important.
Jesus’ Narrative About Lying
In the next section of the Sermon, Jesus deals with false speech in verbal communication. Let’s look at his teaching on this subject:
Again, you have heard that it was said to those of ancient times, “You shall not swear falsely, but carry out the vows you have made to the Lord.” But I say to you, Do not swear at all, either by heaven, for it is the throne of God, or by the earth, for it is his footstool, or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King. And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black. Let your word be “Yes, Yes” or “No, No”; anything more than this comes from the evil one. (Matthew 5:33-37)
Jesus is dealing with the issue of “swearing,” which does not refer to cussing or using profane language, but to making a verbal promise that what is said is true, such as taking an oath. Once again, he creates a distinction between what is considered “righteous” behavior and the kind of behavior expected of those who live in the kingdom of God.
The “old law” simply states that we must not lie under oath. When a person swears to “tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth,” we demand, by law, that they do so. Perjury, the failure to tell the truth under oath, was a punishable offense in Jesus’ day, as it is in ours. Telling the truth is necessary in order to find justice, and that is why the courts insist on it. In order for a society to get along we must be able to trust what someone is saying. But we cannot count on people telling the truth on their own—especially if they fear the consequences, or the desire for gain is involved.
Think about the professional baseball players who were accused of taking performance-enhancing drugs. Under oath, some of them denied using steroids, but were caught later. Others pled the Fifth Amendment, so they wouldn’t incriminate themselves. That is precisely why we require that people swear under oath to tell the truth. We cannot count on them to be truthful without it. Unfortunately, even under oath some people lie.
In Jesus’ day, swearing went beyond the courtroom and into everyday business transactions, and even into daily communication. For example, when selling a cow, the seller would often “swear by God” or “swear upon” his own life that he was telling the truth about the condition of the cow. Today, to establish their credibility some swear what they are saying is true. Jesus’ teaching on this is very clear: we do not need to swear at all—not by God or by heaven or on our own life.
Have you ever said “I swear” or “I promise” when trying to get others to believe you? Why did you use those words?
As he has been doing, Jesus continues to address the heart, the inner person, the place from which all things flow. The standard of right-eousness in Jesus’ day was clear: You can tell lies and not be liable (until you get caught), but if you lie “under oath” you are guilty. Jesus, as always, is aiming for something higher, for a new kind of person with a new kind of character. He is saying, “Under oath or not, those who live in the kingdom can and should tell the truth.”
But What if I Get Called to Be a Witness?
Some Christians have taken Jesus’ words about not swearing literally. People like the early Quakers, Leo Tolstoy and the medieval Cathars refused to take an oath, even when forced by the court of law. This resulted in hundreds of Quakers being sent to prison. As much as I respect the early Quakers, I believe they misunderstood what Jesus was saying. Refusing to take an oath is not necessarily radical and could be done with a duplicitous heart intent on defying the system. The radical nature of Jesus’ words was not that we should never take an oath but that all of our speech should be honest, genuine, true and trustworthy—a yes that means yes and a no that means no. Jesus says that in the kingdom we are obliged to tell the truth in all circumstances. The kingdom does not run on deception. It simply will not. But this doesn’t mean we should never take an oath.
If it’s not about not taking oaths, what does it mean, and what impact would it have on our lives if we lived this way?
In a court case, should we (as a kingdom-dweller) refuse to put our hand on a Bible and swear to tell the truth? Was that Jesus’ intent? Absolutely not. That would be just another form of legalism. Jesus is not forbidding us from taking an oath in a court of law, nor is he saying we must never promise we are telling the truth when asked. He is saying, Become the kind of person who naturally tells the truth. Do this often and consistently, and people will not need you to “swear” because you always tell the truth.
Aiming for Integrity
Having criticized Quakers for their stance on not taking oaths, I must praise them for getting the heart of this passage right in other areas of life. The early Quakers were committed to telling the truth in all matters, which is the real aim. They were intent on being people whose word was good, people whose words had integrity. A little known fact is that Quakers are credited with creating the price tag. Prior to the Quakers, all business was done by haggling. The seller set a price higher than the product was worth, and the buyer countered with a lower offer. This went on until an agreement was reached.
The Quakers believed that haggling involved lying. The seller and buyer would name a price they knew was unfair. It may seem like an innocent practice, but haggling did not sit right in the Quakers’ hearts. Thus Quakers priced their goods for what they were worth and refused to haggle. They put a price tag on an item and simply refused to negotiate. After a while the idea caught on. It not only saved a lot of time, it also drastically cut down on the number of lies people told every day. Quakers called this “plain speech.” Plain speech means speaking without spin or deception. A yes means yes.
How Living in the Kingdom Can Cure Lying
Lying always occurs between persons, and we must distinguish between telling something that is false and a lie. Lying is “a false statement made knowingly, with the intent to deceive.” Lying is not about the correctness of what a person says but about the intent of the heart. What does living as an apprentice of Jesus, in his glorious kingdom, have to do with lying?
How does living in the kingdom help us stop lying to or deceiving others?
God is truth; he cannot lie (Titus 1:2), and those who follow him must walk and talk in truth. And the Spirit of God not only leads us into truth (John 16:13), but is truth (1 John 5:6). Kingdom people are those who are led by or walk in the Spirit. Therefore, they must walk in truth. The apostle John praised his fellow Christians for doing so: “I was overjoyed when some of the friends arrived and testified to your faithfulness to the truth, namely how you walk in the truth” (3 John 1:3). And Paul urged those under his care always to tell the truth: “So then, putting away falsehood, let all of us speak the truth to our neighbors, for we are members of one another” (Ephesians 4:25).
This is the baseline, the starting point, for apprentices of Jesus. We begin by “putting away falsehood” (not lying), or in the positive, we speak the truth. We do this because we are “members of one another.” Lying to another is lying to myself. Christ dwells in both of us.
People who dwell in the kingdom of heaven will find lying less and less a part of their lives. That is because the kingdom addresses all of the reasons we give for lying. First, in the life with God (the kingdom) we can let go of our fears. We don’t need to fear what will happen as long as we are living under his rule and reign. Telling the truth may cause discomfort or embarrassment, but we live with a God who protects us and provides for us. If we choose to lie, we are not in harmony with the kingdom, and losing that is much worse than the consequences of telling the truth.
Understanding our identity in Christ helps us in the area of lying. Paul urged the Colossians, “Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices” (Colossians 3:9 niv). Notice the second clause: “since you have taken off the old self.” Since Jesus dwells and delights in us, we strive to put an end to deception in our life.
The kingdom is not in trouble. And we who stand in it are never in trouble. Therefore, we can risk telling the truth. We can handle the consequences of the truth. In the kingdom we strive for more than merely not lying. We want our speech to be acceptable not only to the people we address but also to God. The bar is set high. Our words need to be honest and true, but they flow from the heart, so our heart has to be honest and true. At present it may not be, but as long as we keep “pickling” in the kingdom of God, it will be increasingly so. As it becomes genuine and true, so will our words.
Improving Our Speech
I am trying to learn Portuguese because I was privileged to minister alongside Eduardo Pedreira in Brazil, and may do so again in the future. As I write, Eduardo and his wife, Marcia, are in the United States on a sabbatical. They are helping me with my Portuguese, and they are trying to improve their English. We are trying to improve our speech, so we can communicate in other languages. But the most important way we can improve our speech—in any language—is to move beyond trying not to lie by blessing others. One of my favorite verses is Ephesians 4:29: “Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only what is useful for building up, as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29).
What does “giving grace” in our speech look like? I have coined the following terms to describe ways we give grace through what we say.
Kingdom encouragement. After relating a difficulty I was wrestling with, a friend responded, “Well, remember, God is your shield and banner.” Her speech gave me grace by sharing a principle about the kingdom of God; namely, God will stand with us and for us. Her words—just a single sentence—encouraged me.
Kingdom kindness. When I spoke with a friend, who is a true apprentice of Jesus, about an experience of loss and grief, he spoke with amazing sensitivity and gentleness. His kingdom kindness involved reflective feedback, which came from careful listening. It usually involves thoughtful responses and empathetic replies.
These are ways to speak the Golden Rule, saying things to others that we would say to ourselves.
In the kingdom of God we begin by putting away falsehood, but as apprentices of Jesus much more is expected of our speech. Telling the truth is a great start, but as we move further into kingdom living we begin to use our tongues to bless and encourage.
The Limits of Honesty
Brad Blanton founded a movement called “Radical Honesty.” He has written several books on the subject and offers training seminars to help people learn how to speak the truth in every circumstance. Blanton advocates absolute honesty, even if it hurts others. He believes in the importance of truth over all other considerations. Hurt feelings are no reason for lying.
Is Blanton right? Would we all be better off if we told the truth all of the time? To some extent I think he is right. I think we are unduly afraid of the consequences of honesty. And in most cases, honesty is the most loving thing we can do.
But in light of the previous section on blessing and encouraging with our speech, I believe there are limits to honesty. In the movie A Few Good Men while under oath a character is pushed to tell the truth and blurts out, “You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!” There are some truths we cannot handle, and do not need to handle. While I am not advocating lying or deception, I believe that loving others (which is the highest goal) may involve not telling someone everything we think or know in every circumstance.
It takes discernment and wisdom to decide when honesty is helpful and when it’s harmful. For me, a serious “heart check” is necessary when I am in these situations. I pray for the people involved before I speak. I want my words to come from a kingdom attitude—which is love. Paul said, “Speaking the truth in love, we must grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ” (Ephesians 4:15). That is a great phrase: speaking the truth in love. And love is willing the good of another. Sometimes “willing the good” will mean telling the unvarnished truth. At other times it may mean withholding the truth. The issue is not easy, but fortunately we have prayer and the Holy Spirit to guide us.
My Scarlet Letter
I have thought a lot about the night I let a person assume I had read The Scarlet Letter. I think I lied because I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be liked. I might have looked unintelligent if I had said, “No, I have not read that book.” I felt so guilty that I felt as if I needed to wear a scarlet L to let others know of my sin. I have since repented of this practice.
Now I routinely say, “No, I am totally unfamiliar with that.” One time I was asked if I understood a certain theory on something, and at first I thought I did, but when I realized I did not, I stopped the person and said, “Excuse me, but now that I know what you are talking about, I must admit that I am not familiar with it.” To my surprise, the person did not think less of me. In fact, he said, “I admire you for telling the truth.” That is the paradox of honesty. In the end we do not seem foolish, we seem genuine, which is a lot more important to people than trying to impress them.
When we know who we are (people in whom Christ dwells) and where we live (in the kingdom of God) we are more able to be straightforward, simple, clear and honest. As long as our hearts are good and we intend no malice, we are in a position to put away falsehood and offer plain speech to others. Beyond that, we can use our speech to give grace to people, which is one of the reasons God gave us the ability to speak. We can learn how to let our yes be yes and also to bless.
Soul Training Silence
Those who live a monastic life (monks and nuns) regularly practice the discipline of silence. They do so for many reasons, but one is to counter the sins of the tongue, such as lying or gossip. Practicing this discipline teaches them the power of words and gives them greater control over their tongues. Most of us are not monks or nuns, but we can also practice this discipline to help us learn how to bridle our tongues.
If we do not speak, we cannot lie. We cannot gossip. We cannot hurt others with our words. So, we practice silence to have better control over our tongues. We will not become proficient overnight, but in time (as with all of the tools we use) we will see progress.
There are two exercises to choose from this week. The main exercise is a very challenging discipline, one which needs a lot of preparation.
Going a Day Without Words
The first exercise is to go a day without speaking. This is the primary spiritual tool this week, so if you can only do one of the two, do this one. It is very challenging and takes a lot of planning and preparation.
In our world, how is this possible?
First, choose a day when this will be less of a problem for you. For many, the weekend works best. You can choose to go from sundown to sundown, Friday evening to Saturday evening, for example.
Some warnings:
Be sure to let others know you are doing this. Silence creates suspicion and concern. People will ask whether you are OK. If someone calls you and you do not respond, they may get unnecessarily concerned. Thus you may want to send an email or a text message to your family and friends to let them know what you are doing.
If you are asked to speak and it is beneficial to do so, then speak. Charity overrides all discipline. If someone is about to be hit by a bus, by all means yell.
In many cases, you can use hand gestures or written notes if you feel you must communicate. Tip: keep a notepad around so that you can communicate with others when necessary. (However, this does not include texting!)
Most people find this to be a wonderful experience. Don’t be afraid of it. Be aware of speech and of people and things around you, which increase dramatically.
Going a Day Without Lying
For some, the first exercise is an impossibility. If that is the case, then choose one day this week to be a “Lie-Free Day.” Do your very best not to lie to anyone for an entire day. If you do lie, try your best to correct it on the spot. Simply say, “You know, what I said was not true. The truth is . . .” You may be afraid people will be upset or disappointed with you, but I have found the opposite. Most people find it refreshing. And correcting yourself will help prevent the next lie.
