Control Of The Tongue
Control of the Tongue
Words are small things that hold incredible power. With them we make both love and war. James says, “A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything—or destroy it!” (James 3:5). We may rarely think about lexicons and grammar, but lexicons and grammar shape our lives, our memories, our past, present and future.
Everyone has tasted the power of words spoken in deep love and deep hate. We know that long after a speaker is dead and gone, their blessings and curses remain. Words are powerful! They mark us forever. No wonder James exhorts believers to attend to their words. Governing our words, refraining from labels that judge and taking responsibility for our meanings is part of growth in godliness. Evagrius wrote, “Better a gentle worldly man than an irascible and wrathful monk.” Words give away what is really happening in our hearts. What James says is true: “No man can tame the tongue. It is restless evil, full of deadly poison” (James 3:8). We need help to change our use of words.
When I was in college I went to a church that cared deeply about how people used words. Within our fellowship we had people who were attempting to address their addiction to criticism and critiquing. When they were in situations where the spirit of criticism began to take over, they would say, “I am addicted to criticism. If this discussion continues in a critical way, I will need to be excused because I cannot stop myself once I get going.” We need help to change our patterns of speech.
Thank God that we are inhabited beings. The Spirit of God lives in us and partners with us to change our verbal outbursts. Indeed God intends to so renovate our tongues so that we become God’s own word of blessing, truth and love for others. Healing and blessing others with our lips is one way God heals our world.
Reflection Questions
- Do you recognize when you are controlling a conversation, holding forth, pontificating, dissembling?
Where does the need to do this come from?
- How do you feel about and respond to conversations where others dominate or outshine you?
- How do you or don’t you listen and draw others out in conversations?
- In conversations when do you feel the need to appear well-informed, spiritual or witty?
- Are you ever aware of taking on a teaching role even in social conversations? What is that about?
- When and how are you most likely to speak a harsh or impatient word?
- What is your fallback conversational posture?
Are you defensive, critical, open or able to give the benefit of the doubt?
- How do you speak about others when they are not around?
Spiritual Exercises
- If you are not good at giving praise or expressing thanks, intentionally create a word list. Divide a piece of paper into four columns headed with the words “Thank You,” “I’m Sorry,” “I Made a Mistake” and “You Did a Good Job.” In each column write all the ways you know to convey each truth. Put this list where you can see it and revisit it. Intentionally use these words and phrases for a week. • What do you notice about yourself and your relationships?
- Before you jump to conclusions about what somebody means, check out their meaning with a phrase like, “What I hear you saying is . . .” Keep using this phrase until you have their meaning right. What is it like for you to do this?
- Never use words like “You always . . .” and “You never . . .” These are fighting words. • As you remove these words from your speech, what happens to your relationships?
- Devise small strategies that can give you space to gain control of your tongue. For example, you might count to ten, take a time-out or leave the room before you lose your temper. When you notice you are about to yell, take a deep breath and say quietly to yourself, “Turn down the volume.” • Practice one of your strategies for a week. What is it like for you? Small strategies like these can offer you a moment to refocus on what really matters and how you want to say it.
- Since Scripture tells us that we will give an account for every word we have said, spend some time praying about how you use words. • Imagine that all the words you speak are picked up and stored in a receiver somewhere out in outer space. Then imagine all your words being played back to you. What do you hear? • Give the Lord an account of today’s words. Confess with your mouth the sins of your mouth. Receive God’s gift of forgiveness.
- It supposedly takes at least three weeks to break an old habit. Choose a habit of speech you wish to break. Consider what new habit you want to replace the old one. Ask two or three people to pray with you in the next three weeks while you attend to this habit. • When you sense yourself moving into the speech pattern you wish to change, say “stop” to yourself. Learning to recognize a trigger to a speech pattern and then actually saying “stop” is a huge step in addressing your habit. • Ask God to help you put your new habit into practice. When you goof up, confess and gently begin again.
Resources on Control of the Tongue
Patterns by Mel Lawrenz, chapter 12
Renovation of the Heart by Dallas Willard, chapters 6-8
“Humility and honesty are really the same thing. A humble person is simply a brutally honest person about the whole truth. You and I came along a few years ago; we’re going to be gone in a few years. The only honest response to life is a humble one.” —Richard Rohr
Humility
DESIRE | to become like Jesus in his willingness to choose the hidden way of love rather than the way of power |
DEFINITION | Humility is not thinking less of yourself but thinking of yourself less. Humble people let go of image management and self-promotion. They honor others by making the others’ needs as real and important as their own. |
SCRIPTURE | “Be especially careful when you are trying to be good so that you don’t make a performance out of it. . . . Just do it—quietly and unobtrusively. That is the way your God, who conceived you in love, working behind the scenes, helps you out.” (Mathew 6:1, 4 The Message) “My dear friends, don’t let public opinion influence how you live out our glorious, Christ-originated faith.” (James 2:1 The Message) “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” (Colossians 3:12) “For this is what the high and lofty One says— . . . ‘I live in a high and holy place, but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite.’ ” (Isaiah 57:15) |
PRACTICE INCLUDES |
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GOD-GIVEN FRUIT |
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