Turkey: A Thanksgiving For Gobbling
What does a turkey like to eat on Thanksgiving? How are a turkey, a donkey, and a monkey the same? Is turkey soup good for your health? Why did the turkey bolt down his food? Why did the turkey cross the road? Why are New England turkeys hard to understand? Did you hear about the government officials who talked turkey? Did you hear the one about the guest speaker who was introduced after a Thanksgiving dinner? The emcee said, "We have just enjoyed a turkey stuffed with sage. It is now my pleasure to introduce a sage stuffed with turkey." Why did the Pilgrim kill the turkey? Did you hear about the young turkey who was on his way to the big city for the first time. A fellow passenger offered him some advice: "You'll be all right as long as you don't lose your head." Did you hear about the conservative turkey? Why did they let the turkey join the band? As the father turkey said to his misbehaving daughter, "if your mother could see you now, she'd turn over in her gravy." Did you hear about the waiter who dropped a Thanksgiving dinner on the floor and feared he had created an international incident? Why do turkeys have such a persecution complex? Because they're cut to pieces, they have the stuffing knocked out of them, and they're picked on for days after Thanksgiving. As the leftover turkey said after it was wrapped up and refrigerated, "Foiled again." Or, as we always say: Show us a man who throws Thanksgiving leftovers in the garbage, and we'll show you a man who quits cold turkey. Said a farmer outside Albuquerque, Do chickens jog? Did you hear about the film executive who produced so many movies that turned out to be turkeys that he was made an honorary Pilgrim?
Nothing; they are already stuffed.
They all have keys.
Not if you're the turkey.
Because she was a gobbler.
To show that he wasn't chicken.
Because they speak in gobbled English.
They spoke gobbledygook.
Because he was in a fowl mood.
It has two right wings.
Be>cause it had the drumsticks.
It was the downfall of Turkey, the ruin of Greece, and the breaking up of China.
"Though Thanksgiving looms misty and murky,
All may still turn out well,
For I've managed to sell
Some chickens, a duck, and a turkey."
No, but turkeys trot.
Originally published November 14, 2002.
