6 Do’s and Don’ts of Christian Grandparenting

Offer help to your kids and grandkids with whatever they need. Most families need extra drivers, babysitters, and cheerleaders for their kids, and these are great ways to support your children and get extra time with your grandchildren. Learn your grandkids' love languages so you can show each of them how special they are. In a family of multiple children, it's easy for the high-need kids to get all the attention. As grandparents, we can fill in the gaps by spending time with the quiet, shy, or easy children to make sure they feel noticed or we can give the high-need kids the extra attention they crave so the parents can focus on other children or tasks. This stage of life grants you opportunity to spend knowing and understanding your grandkids without any of the responsibility for supporting them. 

"You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways." (Psalm 139:1-3)

Model the importance of depending on God. Nothing will affect spiritual change and growth in your family as much as the power of the Holy Spirit working in their lives. Praying for your family also allows God to reveal the places where you need to change, where you can participate, or where God is leading you in your grandparenting journey. "For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all God's people, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better" (Ephesians 1:15-17). Confess, change, and step into the space of watchman for your family.

Read it, speak it, recite it, play it through music. Volunteer to take your grandkids to church and youth group. Offer to pay for church programs and camps for your grandchildren. Pick up your grandkids and their friends for church events. Do whatever gets your grandchildren under the influence of godly leaders and the presentation of the whole gospel; do what you can to make that happen. 

"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching." (Hebrews 10:24-25)

Encourage your kids and calm their fears. It's easy to notice and point out the places where your kids are making mistakes in parenting. Instead of criticizing what's lacking, affirm what's good. Also, develop the humility to accept that parenting today, in many ways, must differ from the parenting you did. Truth remains the same, but culture has changed: the world is less safe and more accessible; your children are navigating cultural dangers that you never had to consider. Avoid the urge to say "When I was parenting you…" You are not your child, and your child is not parenting themselves. They are parenting a different human in a different age. 

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." (1 Thessalonians 5:11)

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Brag about your kids and grandkids, in a way that affirms to your family that you're proud of them. Attend all the special occasions, celebrations, awards ceremonies, games, and concerts that you can. Give your grandchildren the memory of you being present, cheering for them, and being proud of them. Your presence—not your gift-giving—will be the legacy you leave them. Your presence speaks love and priority more than gifts of vacations ever could. 

"Grandchildren are the crown of the aged, and the glory of children is their parents." (Proverbs 17:6)

If you experience a "first moment" with a grandchild (like crawling, walking, riding a bike, scoring a goal) before their parent does, figure out how to help your children feel like they didn't completely miss it. You can record, take photos, or even quiet until they discover it themselves (in the case of babies). Inform the parents how they want to be informed. 

"Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves." (Romans 12:10)

Don'ts of Christian Grandparenting

This can be tempting if the other grandparents feel insecure about their role in your grandchildren's lives or if family dysfunction and competition are already in place. Rise above it. True love stands the test of time; you don't need to compete, compare, or in any way minimize the other grandparents. Grandparents who exemplify Christ's influence will generously give away holidays and preferences if that's what their children want. Encourage your kids to spend their vacations and holidays how they want and try to be amenable rather than judicial or demanding. Certainly, when your feelings are hurt, you can express them kindly and work together to decide on the balance between families. But if you have a solid trusting relationship with your kids, you won't have to fight to see your grandkids. 

"Give and it will be given to you A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." (Luke 6:38)

If you can build the swing set or pay for the family cruise, then of course, that's a blessing for everyone. But a gift given without the investment of presence actually communicates a lack of love; it models that manipulation and bribery are legitimate constructs for a loving relationship. Although this verse contextually speaks about giving to the Lord, the truths apply to any kind of giving: "Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver." (2 Corinthians 9:6-7)

This is the cardinal rule for most relationships, but especially for ones not under your control. Through supportive communication, your children and grandchildren might ask for your wisdom (then give it!), but if you're always giving your opinion without being asked, they will likely dismiss your perspective or keep you uninformed about their decisions and processes. Instead, ask questions like

"What do you see as the advantages and disadvantages?"

"What do you need from me?"

"What are your options?"

"How can I help?"

"What is the Lord telling you to do?"

It's easy to decide what others need to hear or do, but it's more difficult to acknowledge what I would want from someone else in the same situation. Your children or grandchildren might desire your input but not know how to ask for it or even know they need it. Help them think through their process by asking questions and pointing them to God for answers. Treat them how you'd like to be treated if you were the one making a decision. "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you" (Matthew 7:12).

If a grandchild is having trouble in school, it's probably not your responsibility to set up a meeting with the guidance counselor or call the parents of other children and set them straight. I've heard grandparents speak use statements like "we decided to change schools" or "I called up the principal immediately and said…" Although there are exceptions to your need to get involved in problem-solving for your children or grandchildren, the best advice is to pray for them and encourage them to make their own decisions. Let them fight their own battles while you hold up their arms. Every struggle they have is an opportunity for God to show himself faithful. Turn them over to God. (Giving them space might also make them feel free to ask for your wisdom.) 

"For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding." (Colossians 1:9)

Your kids and grandkids are living in a different generation than the one you lived in. Sinful human condition hasn't changed, but cultural norms have. To be the encourager that a grandparent should be, you must stop yourself from moaning about how bad the world has gotten or trivializing the problems children experience today. Refrain from communicating the belief that your kids and grandkids are living in a terrible, hopeless world. Be a source of strength to them; inspire them to live courageously and boldly, to be intentional witnesses for Christ. 

"Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ, who gave himself for our sins to rescue us from the present evil age, according to the will of our God and Father, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen." (Galatians 1:3-5)

Until you're clear on your kids' boundaries concerning social media, don't post reels and videos of your grandchildren on social media. Wait until your son or daughter has posted about achievements (school, sports, awards, etc.) before you post your pictures, even if you witnessed the same event at the same time. Your grandkids are their kids; they get priority. Also, never post a "first event," even if you witnessed it first. You do not want your kids finding out about their children's accomplishments on social media. A secondary, and perhaps more important, reason for curbing social media is the publication of your grandchild into the digital world. Media exposure is a parent's decision. It doesn't matter how many likes you get; it's not your call unless your kids give you permission. "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21).

You, as a grandparent, are your family's matriarch or patriarch. You have a critical role to love and influence, to be an example everyone can follow. The beauty of aging is the wisdom and experience you've acquired throughout life. Instead of lamenting over the days that have passed, embrace the powerful calling on your life right now because you are a grandparent. Invite your kids and grandkids to follow you as you follow Christ. "You know how we lived among you for your sake. You became imitators of us and of the Lord." (1 Thessalonians 1:5-6)

Leave a spiritual legacy. What could be more beautiful and fulfilling than that? 

"All over the world this gospel is bearing fruit and growing, just as it has been doing among you since the day you heard it and understood God's grace in all its truth." (Colossians 1:6)