5 Principles for Stepfamilies When the Other Home Doesn’t Follow Jesus

In other words, if we speak Christian teachings and dispense Scripture as wisdom, but our behavior is inflammatory, rude, and antagonistic, our actions are obstructing our words. We are deterring and destroying the ability to influence the other home positively.

To quote Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Your actions speak so loudly, I can't hear what you say."

Throughout the Gospels, we read of sinners being drawn to Jesus. Most of the time, it's due to how He treats the sinner. He is respectful, gentle, and kind. We can speak truth and be compassionate at the same time. We only witness Jesus getting angry at sinners when it's connected to religious leaders.

A Christian isn't perfect. We make mistakes all the time. However, a true Christ follower continuously asks the Holy Spirit to make them like Christ. It's admitting and intentionally turning away from destructive and disparaging behavior.

If your child views the subjects of God, faith, Jesus, and church as creating hostility and a battleground between the parents, it's become another trigger for conflict rather than a sanctuary of peace. This sabotages the goal. Do your part to shut down the tension. Christians can speak truth without becoming combative.

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What if we didn't concentrate on what the other house believes or doesn't believe? What if the emphasis was on "How would Jesus respond?" What if this is a parent's perfect setting to teach the child how to encounter and lovingly reply to a world that rejects, mocks, or misunderstands the teachings of Christ?

If the other home tells the child, "Jesus is a fairy tale; it's stupid to believe that nonsense." You could say, "Kaylee, I'm sorry you are hearing that. It must be very confusing to have parents who don't have the same beliefs. In our home, we believe that Jesus is the Savior of the world." Then, share a little bit of your personal testimony of how you came to believe in Jesus. No one can argue with your story or your experience. "I know your mom/dad believes in (blank)…and that is a contradiction to the teachings of Jesus. So, we have very different opinions on this subject. If you sincerely ask God to reveal the truth to you—He will. It's a promise."

It's important that the child understand that the Christian parent isn't trying to "be right." If the parent says things like, "Your father is going straight to hell because he doesn't believe in Jesus," or "Your mother has no morals and is drunk every night, and she calls herself a Christian," those comments will communicate to the child that you merely want to be right. And that you view yourself as superior to the other parent.

This should not be an "us vs. them" situation. Our home is the good guys and your other parent's house is the bad guys. It's certainly normal to be angry, discouraged, and sad when our child is being raised in a home that teaches ungodly values. However, painting the other parent as evil won't achieve the goal.

Instead, try, "I'm so sorry that my faith in Jesus makes it harder for you to live in two homes. It breaks my heart that you are confused about this, and I know you didn't ask for it. Divorce is hard on kids, and this is one of the reasons why. Let me know if there is something I can do to make it easier. I will never walk away from my faith, and I pray one day you will follow Him, too, but I want to help make this easier for you if I can. Am I doing something that is making it harder for you?

A Christian parent cannot control what their child is being taught in the other home. Unless it's illegal or abusive, the other parent can teach the child whatever they desire. A wise course of action is to become educated on the belief system your child is learning. Explore how and why it's different from Christianity. Some religions will be easier to understand than others.

Don't turn the new knowledge into a disagreement, weapon, or debate. Aim to be schooled on what the child is learning in the other home. Most Christians are not well informed about other religions or current spiritual trends. The temptation to be "right" and to prove why the other belief system is wrong will be powerful. Remember, Jesus didn't try to prove that he was accurate. He presented the truth calmly and clearly and let the people decide. The kids will observe the Christian parent's actions, responses, and listening abilities.

Calmly ask age-appropriate questions. "Do you understand that when Jesus says He is the only way to heaven, it means He loves us so much that He shows us how to get there? Would you want to know for sure where you are going when you die? If Jesus is who He says He is, would you want to know it?"

And then share, "Every day, I'm learning more about how to love like Jesus does. I'm not perfect, but He is teaching me. As your dad/mom, sometimes that includes doing things or sharing things you won't understand. Don't ever question my love for you just because your mom/dad and I don't have the same view and relationship with God. I long for you to know Jesus the way I do, and I pray daily for that to happen. I pray for your mom/dad too. But no matter what, my love for you is unconditional. You are my son/daughter, and I love you completely."

There may be times when a conflict can't be avoided. If the other parent is involving the child in a cult or a dangerous setting, the Christian parent must be alert and get legal advice.

We must remember that the Holy Spirit has the power to reach our kids, even if they live in two homes. He works in ways we do not understand. The praying parent has power. The situation isn't hopeless. Our job is to be so hidden in Christ that when our child observes us in the day-to-day living, they see Jesus. The Christian home should be a haven where there are boundaries fueled by love, respect, and simplicity.

"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God." Colossians 3:1-3