7 Ways to Get Your Marriage Out of the "Roommate" Phase

When is the last time you went on a date? And by date, I mean you made an effort to look your best and put some thoughtfulness into the event or evening. When dating, you likely did this out of excitement and without prompting. Now that you are married, your relationship is still worthy of your best effort, and showing it to your spouse is an act of love. Dates are meant to be fun, treasured time together. Flirting is allowed, but not family business. Don't let an already busy calendar rob you of this needed gift for reconnection. Regular dates aren't an additional thing to fit in if there's time—they are the lifeblood of your marriage. The Bible says that marriage is a covenant, and God's richest blessings come from covenants in scripture. Through marriage, God also gives us a glimpse into how Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25). The Bible reminds us that marriage deserves our very best.

The roommate phase is indicative of a rut, so one cure is to shake things up! We all have things that we gravitate toward as couples, but avoid being too predictable because it can make things feel tired. For instance, try a new restaurant or food instead of going to your usual spot. Plan a surprise trip, or take a vacation to a new place you can explore together. Do you like talking about the news or a certain topic? Sign up for a class or read a book together on that topic. Are you interested in starting a new hobby? You can either learn something new together, or try your hand at an activity that's important to your partner. Getting to know your spouse in a new light brings fresh energy to the relationship. It's a great way to enjoy the good gift that God has provided you through your spouse (James 1:17).

Just as dates are the lifeblood of a marriage, communication is indispensible for any relationship. Couples need to make time to stay connected. Topics of conversation often include family scheduling and logistics, children, and finances. Our need for communication also runs deeper, however, to include our dreams and goals, request for support through challenge, faith, and our fears and frustrations. When a husband and wife become one, they form a united front; the only way to execute that front is through effective communication. This isn't meant to be a chore but an avenue of blessing. Whether it's time set aside at the end of the day, a quick walk with the dog, or a meal together, a regular schedule or plan can go a long way toward driving a deeper connection. God knew that "it was not good for man to be alone" (Gen. 2:18); good communication is a key element of biblical companionship.

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Do you remember what attracted you to your "roommate?" Well, it's time to! It's often easier to focus on your pet peeves rather than the many admirable traits of your spouse. This is human nature, but contrary to scripture. Paul reminds us, "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things" (Phil. 4:8). Marriages would be different if we approached our spouse this way. Offer daily thanks for the good you see in your spouse; don't take that good for granted. While someone else may not have their weakness, they also may not have their strength.

Good communication isn't just regular; it's also fair. We know to avoid the big things that can drive a wedge between couples and ruin a relationship. However, little things matter, too. Small slights and moments of compromise in a fight are sneakier than you might expect. They can plant a spirit of strife in a relationship that, if not rooted out, can grow and spread like a weed. A spirit of strife threatens a person's ability to feel safe and valued in a relationship—this can be the first stop toward the roommate phase. Instead, we can exercise biblical wisdom to avoid strife and be quick to ask for forgiveness when we fall short. Proverbs 20:3 reads, "It is to one's honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel." Proverbs also reads, "Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses" (10:12, ESV). While our pride isn't fed in the moment, we build relationships with honor and more fulfillment when we follow God's direction.

While there are things that we shouldn't do, like feed strife, let's talk about a wonderful thing that we can do—be intimate! Sex is a good gift for a married couple to enjoy—it bonds the couple together and draws them closer. Culture will tell you that the hottest sex is a lustful encounter with a near stranger. There are many problems with this reasoning. First, the most fulfilling and erotic sex can only come from within the bond of marriage. That's because the covenant of marriage provides a safe environment for true intimacy to grow; it is in fact erotic to be fully known in every way, appreciated, and loved. Second, purely lustful encounters are often self-serving; they are more concerned with self-gratification than mutual expressions of love. This opens the door to hurt and pain. Third, the Bible is clear that Christians are to flee from sexual immorality (1 Cor. 6:18). Christian couples are to honor the marriage bed and keep it holy (Hebrews 13:4). If you're teetering on the roommate phase, honestly consider what is holding you back from investing in this important expression of your love and consider talking to a trusted counselor if needed.

God is such an important part of a healthy marriage. For one, while God gives us wonderful gifts through each other, like intimacy, your partner wasn't designed to provide for all of your needs. Only God is your provider. That realization alone can help take the pressure off of marriage and dispel undue frustration. Second, belief in God is a stabilizing force for a marriage. It gives the couple a better chance at a unified vision for their family and provides an extra layer of comfort and support when you face life's inevitable storms. Finally, belief in God opens up a scriptural lifeline for your marriage. There will be times when you have to make a hard choice. Don't trust your feelings; instead, trust the word of God. Scripture has the ability to bless your life as a couple and as individuals when you submit and follow it. This is often easier said than done, but if you choose wisely, you will discover that all other ground is sinking sand. While every other influence will eventually disappoint, the word of God will bring forth good fruit. Proverbs 30:5 reads, "Every word of God proves true; he is shield to those who take refuge in him" (ESV). Explore ways to share your faith with your spouse through worship, prayer, Bible study, or devotions—God has the power to guide you out of the roommate phase and redeem your marriage.

Marriage isn't always easy, but it's worth it. A hookup is not the best life offers. God's vision is richer and more worthy of the way God made you. Like most worthwhile things, however, marriage doesn't just happen. It takes courage, effort, and humility. If you are living in the roommate phase, don't stay there. Follow these steps and begin to see new life grow—your marriage can be a beautiful creation!