Grief, Gratitude, and Coping with Loss on Thanksgiving
- Alicia Searl Contributing Writer
- Updated Oct 30, 2023
Grief and gratitude, can they even co-exist? Before I get to that, let me give you a bit of a visual and what I can see over here on my end. As I write these words, I gaze upon a picture of my sweet mom. We are holding each other in a warm embrace, both smiling from ear to ear. It was Thanksgiving 2011. I remember the year quite vividly. I know because it was quite literally one of the worst years of my life. It was the year my dad was diagnosed with cancer. The year my husband and I rescued his niece and brought her home with us, removing her from a harmful situation. And the year we both had jobs that were crumbling from the stress and weight of it all (childcare expenses and CPS visits took their toll), bringing on a form of financial strain we were not prepared for in the least. Yet, there I was with my sweet mom, and we were both smiling.
I tell you this story for several reasons. First, although that year was tainted with immense emotional pain, for a brief moment, I found myself in the kitchen of my childhood home, seeking comfort in the arms of my momma. Secondly, my mom taught me that no matter what I was going through, there were always reasons to be thankful. At that time, she had been walking my dad through a journey of cancer for at least six months, enduring the hardship of watching her strong and able husband become a fragile frame of a man. Yet, she was hugging me, encouraging me, and telling me that she was grateful my family (with all our strings attached) was there, blessing her.
As we gathered around the table that day, I remember we all gave thanks for certain blessings, and my mom teared up as she doted on my father for being so brave. Thankfully, my dad has been in remission for over ten years now. Praise God! However, I wish I could say that was the end of the story, and we all lived happily ever after. But, as you know, life on this side of heaven doesn't tend to work that way. The following year, they found some bleeding on my mom's brain, and she battled with that for ten years before it abruptly took her life last year. I would be lying if I said I handled her loss with dignity, grace, and poise. Unfortunately, I didn't get that "graceful" skill from my momma and wear my heart on my sleeve. I was a mess for months, and the holidays only brought out a rather uglier side of me. Sigh.
Maybe you share a similar story? Maybe you are wading through the murky waters of loss or holding onto some heavy burdens. Well, from one wounded heart to another, I send my sincerest condolences (and virtual hugs). I am so sorry you are on this journey, too. I wish I had the right words to offer you. But, where my words may fail, God's Word never ever does. God says He will comfort us (Matthew 5:4), He will give us strength (Psalm 73:26), and will bind up our wounds (Psalm 147:3). How comforting is that?
So, my sweet friend, I invite you to join me in seeking ways to step into this season with God, all the while trying to merge the two – grief and gratitude. Yes, I believe there is a tender spot where the two can collide. It may not be pretty, and that's okay! God tells us to come as we are (Matthew 11:27-30). But, will you try to soften your heart with me? Together, let's pursue ways to embrace the beautiful mess of grieving on a holiday that calls us to be thankful because, as my wise momma once said, "There is always something to be thankful for."
Prepare Your Heart
I'm going to start with this statement - grief is our expression of love. Therefore, it will be a personal and unique journey for each of us. We oftentimes have to let it run its course and ride the waves. It's going to get brutally messy at times; then, at other times, it may bring forth a sense of hope and peace. This is all part of the beautifully wild ride we are on, so hold on tight.
Reflecting back, I still recall walking dreadfully into the holiday season last year. It started for me in September. This dark cloud had been looming over my head for a while, but it seemed to grow even darker as we drew closer to the holidays, many days becoming simply unbearable. But one day, as I was wading through a rather deep mourning session, on top of dealing with everyday stressors, my mind took a dangerous detour. It was about that time that my phone made that all too familiar ding! I glanced over to see a flowery meme with the Psalm 34:18 Bible verse, which states, "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saved those that are crushed in spirit." There it was, proudly displayed on my phone. Just like our God to show up at the most convenient of times, right?
Friend, if you haven't heard it today, let me remind you that the Lord is near today. He is drawing you in and inviting you to sit with Him, gently whispering that, "He's got you." Will you open your heart and prepare to receive His gift of peace?
While that peace may look different for each of us, below are a few ways to prepare your heart as you head into the Thanksgiving holiday, leaning on the Lord for emotional support. When we allow ourselves to grieve and let in the beauty of grace that comes along with that, we see glimmers of hope and sweet places to be thankful.
Prepare your heart by:
-Giving yourself time to sit and be still before God and surrender it all.
-Remembering that self-care is not selfish, it is extremely important, especially in these times.
-Allowing yourself to ride the tidal wave of emotions.
-Keeping your expectations low and taking it a day at a time.
-Being forthcoming if you need support and help.
-Realizing that others may not know how to respond, but that does not mean you are not tremendously loved.
-Addressing grief when needed. Talk about your loved one (if and when you feel ready) and share your heart with those you trust. God is also always available to listen. Share with Him regularly.
Keep it Simple
Thanksgiving generally revolves around the ones you dearly love, lavish food, and family traditions. Those may all seem shattered and disorienting after a profound loss. The first Thanksgiving without a loved one is truly difficult, and there is no escaping the fact that it will stir up a multitude of memories and resurface grief in a whole new way. You can prepare for that now by choosing to simplify where it is needed.
Things will look, feel, and just be forever changed and different. So, how do you muster through it and keep it simple? Your first reaction may be to just skip it altogether, and while that may sound like the best option, you must also take into account that others may be missing your loved one, too. So, meet with your family to discuss options and how to lower your expectations, allowing room for grief to sit at the table. Maybe you plan to take a vacation, or you decide to go out to dinner instead, but try to find something that will allow everyone to mesh grief with gratitude.
Last year, my sister and I ordered takeout and then ventured into the back room, where we binge-watched Christmas movies for the rest of the afternoon. The ones we used to watch every year with mom. It was a sweet time for us to bond, cry, swap stories, and just sit with our grief. My daughters even came in to snuggle with us and brought us some pumpkin pie. That simple, sweet time gave us the grace to grieve and the space to find so much to be thankful for.
Honor Your Loved One
My mom was known for making the best stuffing. Now, of course, she was instructed by her mom, who was also instructed by her mom, and so forth; I'm not sure how far it goes back, but it's been a family recipe for quite some time. While this cherished recipe was one that my sister and I had hoped to make one day as well, unfortunately, we thought we had more time to learn it. It was so easy for us to take for granted that my mom would always be here, and we'd eventually learn - one day. Sigh. Well, this year, we plan to take that treasured recipe and make it – together! In our dear momma's honor.
Finding ways to honor those we love on holidays, such as Thanksgiving, can prove quite difficult. That's because grief takes a toll on us in more ways than one. It's physically, mentally, and emotionally draining. It may even evoke anxiety and pressure to do certain things in order to keep up with family traditions. However, there are simple ways you can honor your loved one if and when you are ready.
From the sweet gesture of placing an extra seat at the table to serving your loved one's favorite food, you can show respect and give them honor. However, do keep in mind that there is no timeframe or pressure to do anything. We often need to acknowledge where we are on our grief journey and take a moment to honor them in our own way. There were (and still are) many times I just wrapped up in my mom's blanket and listened to the Beatles, her all-time favorite band. And in those times, I am able to reflect and recall such precious memories. And that is such a blessing!
Friend, as we near a holiday that calls us to be thankful, will you pause and invite God into the parts of your heart you have intentionally (or maybe unintentionally) walled off? The parts you don't share with anyone and hide from the rest of the world. There is no need to put on a brave face for Him. There is no need to shelter your grief. Hand it all over and surrender it all. Let Him meet you where you are today as you place your grief in His loving hands.
Let that humble submission mark the beginning of your healing process. Trust me, it will be such a beautiful exchange as He washes you with His unwavering and unfailing love, prompting you to rejoice and give Him a heart full of thanks! Much love to you, dear friend.
