Jennifer Maggio

The first fourteen years of my kids’ lives were pretty easy – not in the sense that we faced no challenges because there were plenty. Rather, I felt in control of my children’s lives on most days. Sure, there was the occasional temper tantrum, dirty room, or smart mouth, through the years. But I don’t know if anything could have adequately prepared me for the journey I would take through those teen years. What happened to my sweet, obedient little angels? It seemed that almost overnight, my son developed a mind of his own – complete with his own ideas and thoughts about life. (Yes, I know that’s what is supposed to happen, but annoying nonetheless!) 

One afternoon, I received a call from my son’s school that he had gotten in trouble for cheating on a test. It was devastating. I was mad, hurt, embarrassed, and so much more. They were contemplating what punishment he would receive. As I hung up the phone, I began to cry. I prayed fervently that God would fix this situation. Secretly, I wanted God to rescue my son rather than have him face the consequences. It was in those moments that I felt strongly that God was whispering this thought into my heart, “If I constantly fix things for him, how does he learn to depend on me?” Ouch. The truth was, I wanted to control it all and for my son to make the right choices, because I said so, not because he chose to. 

You see, I had this idea in my mind of what the perfect life was like. I’m sure you can relate. I would have children who always obeyed, earned straight A’s, and had great influences for friends. My children would graduate college, become doctors, own successful practices, marry great spouses, serve the Lord, and live happily ever after. And as I’m sure you guessed; life doesn’t always turn out that way. There are twists and turns and ups and downs. There are right choices and wrong ones. Ultimately, my son turned out just fine. But as I struggled to put words around how I was feeling through those tough high school years, this is what I came up with. I simply wanted to “fix” my kids. I had experienced the devastation that poor choices can bring in my own life, and I never wanted my kids to go through that. 

The same has been true in other areas of my life, too. As God began to radically transform my heart and pull me up from some of the darkest circumstances, I became more and more passionate about wanting others to serve my God. This is a beautiful thing. It’s what we are on the Earth to do. However, the problem comes when we think that bringing others to Christ has more to do with “fixing” them than loving them. You see, I had been an impoverished, severely abused, single mom who lived in sexual immorality. I knew how hard that life was. So, when I had the opportunity to minister to single moms, I thought I had to show them Christ and… Pow! Boom! They would magically transform into perfect little angels. (That’s exactly how it worked in my life. Yeah, right!) 

As moms, wives, co-workers, friends, ministry leaders, and pretty much any other category on the planet, our job as Christians isn’t to fix people, however well-meaning it may be. In fact, we can’t fix people. I know this will shock some of you, but here goes. For every person you are desperate to “fix,” there is another person desperate to fix you! We aren’t perfect. None of us have it all together. It’s true that some are further along on their Christian path than others, and we absolutely can use that to invest wisdom in our sisters in Christ. But our primary job is to love one another. Our job is to administer tons of compassion and grace to show mercy and friendship to others. 

I can’t say that I’ve entirely accepted the fact that I can’t fix my kiddos or others around me. But I can say that I am committed to trying! Will you join me in stepping back and letting the Holy Spirit do the job of fixing others? 

Jennifer Maggio is a mom to three, wife to Jeff, and founder of the national nonprofit, The Life of a Single Mom Ministries. She is author to four books, including The Church and the Single Mom. She was named one of the Top 10 Most Influential People in America by Dr. John Maxwell in 2017 and 2015 and has appeared in hundreds of media venues, including The New York Times, Family Talk Radio with Dr. James Dobson, Joni and Friends, and many others. 

Okay, full disclosure here. I struggled with the title of this article. Our children, young or older, are gifts from God. They are precious and called with a purpose. God has a plan for them, filled with purpose and hope. And we love them with every fiber of our being, so let’s just get all that out of the way first. Admitting that our children can be difficult does not mean they aren’t gifted by God or that we don’t love them immensely, it simply means that parenting them is …… well…. Difficult! That said, I wanted struggling mommas to be able to find the words on this page, as they sojourn through what may be some of the hardest days of their lives. I wanted them to know they came to the right place – that this sisterhood of mothers is locking arms with them in spirit and that we are all in this thing together. The parenting journey isn’t for the faint of heart, so let’s dive in, shall we? 

I think some famous author has called parenting difficult children “raising strong-willed children”. Perhaps that is a better term, but today, we are going to call them difficult. Let’s face it. Kids don’t come with instruction manuals. Yes, we have the word of God (and boy, has it been a lifesaver in my life as I’ve parented). Yes, we can read parenting books and thank God for the wisdom offered by those who have gone before us. Yes, we can watch YouTube videos and download podcasts. But our children – the very ones that God gifted us with – don’t have an instruction manual of do’s and don’ts that are specific to them, and some of us have had quite a time of it, haven’t we?! 

Two of my three children are now grown and have left the nest some years ago with the third not far behind. There have been easy seasons of my parenting years, when things seemed to come together and fall in place seamlessly, and then….there have been the hard seasons, when nothing seemed to come together and I felt like I was running on quicksand, barely able to come up for air. Here is what I learned along the journey: 

Lose the guilt. Just because your children have missed the mark, it doesn’t mean you are a terrible parent. For so long, I carried this immense guilt if my children failed a test or cheated or used profanity or stayed out too late or in some way broken the rules laid out before them. I somehow internalized that every behavior was a reflection of my parenting. It immobilized my children. It alienated them. It made me an angry parent. Our Heavenly Father is perfect and yet we, his children, make mistakes. It doesn’t mean he is any less a good father. It means we have a sin nature that we grapple with. Lose the guilt and offer the kiddos some grace. Nothing effective is accomplished through guilty parenting.

Laugh again. When is the last time you had fun with your children? Do you know what I have sadly found to be true? We get involved in tasks and duties and checklists and rules. We are so inundated with the demands of laundry and homework and carpool and soccer practice that we forget to have fun. We spend most of our time putting out the fires of those screaming the loudest, reprimanding and punishing and correcting and disciplining. We don’t take the time to dance in the rain, karaoke in the living room, and play board games. We have stopped laughing with our children. We become the big, bad, angry, monster always looking to correct them with furrowed brows. Learn to enjoy your children again. 

Don’t overindulge. Moms are tired. We balance a dozen balls in the air at any given time. Sometimes, due to guilt, exhaustion, lack of understanding, or any number of reasons, we enable and indulge. We get tired of the whining, the temper tantrums, the busted hole in the wall, or the defiance, and we simply give in. We become weak on the parenting journey and we relinquish boundaries that we should have held their foot to the fire on. Do not overindulge! It will reap dividends later. Ask God for the strength necessary to hold strong boundaries. Don’t buy the shoes if you can’t afford them. Don’t buy the toy. Don’t bend the rule that you deemed important in your home. If you have a gut check about that party, don’t let them go. Don’t allow the guilt of long hours at work or a past mistake or an ugly divorce or even your own insecurities cause you to overindulge your children. It only cripples them. 

Set the thermostat. Lose the emotion. Don’t be quick to anger. Don’t scream. I was recently holding a conversation with my adult son and     he said, “Mom, you always set a great temperature in the room.” He began to explain how I laughed and brought joy (at least sometimes, I do!) As the parent, we get to set the thermostat of our homes. Do we read the Word together? Do we pray? Do we have family meetings about hard things, not just surface-level conversation? 

Stay the course. Moms, I know it is hard. I know the days are long and sometimes thanks are few. I know that there seems to be little rest for weary souls, but don’t stop praying. Don’t stop believing. Don’t stop implanting wisdom and truth and wise counsel. The Lord will mount you on wings like eagles. He will restore, in due time, so stay the course. When they are adults, they will – I repeat, will – stand and called you blessed. Don’t     give up, even when you can’t see the fruit of your labor in this season. You are planting seeds.  

Lean in to the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit sets captives free. He guides us. He leads and comforts. He is the X-Factor that changes everything. My kids used to “hate” my relationship with the Holy Spirit. He would reveal things to me through the power of discernment that would catch them every time. I would have a dream that I could not shake. I would have a “gut feeling” and just knew that something was up. I would drive over to a home where my children were staying the night to get them, when I couldn’t explain why. Learn more about the Holy Spirit and the gifts he     offers. It can be a life-changer in parenting and every other facet of life. 

Jennifer Maggio is a mom to three, wife to Jeff, and founder of the national nonprofit, The Life of a Single Mom Ministries. She is author to four books, including The Church and the Single Mom. She was named one of the Top 10 Most Influential People in America by Dr. John Maxwell in 2017 and 2015 and has appeared in hundreds of media venues, including The New York Times, Family Talk Radio with Dr. James Dobson, Joni and Friends, and many others. 

The more hurt I was, the more I wanted to run. The more I replayed the past, the more I wanted to simply stay underneath the covers and not get up in the mornings. It seemed the harder life was, the more I wanted to isolate myself from others. And life got darker….and darker…. and darker.   

That's the danger of isolation. When we're going through hard times, it is easy for us to isolate ourselves. We don't want others around. We don't want to cry one more tear over the situation. We don't want to explain our emotions again and again. But the more we pull away, the darker the situation becomes. God created us for community. He created us so that others around us can encourage us when we are down. He uses people to speak life into us, when we are too tired, or broken, or emotionally weak, to even read His word.  

The problem is, when we are really hurting, it can be much easier to isolate than to reach out to others and really address the layers of emotions we're battling. But the easy route isn't always the best route.  In fact, the easy route is usually the temporary fix anyway.  

For those of you who may be reading this and saying, "I don't tell anyone what's going on, because they won't understand. Or people will judge me." Don't believe that! Those are lies the enemy of your soul would whisper into your ear that would keep you doubting and lonely and isolated. Will there be someone on occasion who will not understand or maybe even judge you? Yes. But we can't allow that one person to keep us from creating a community that enhances our lives. Many of my very best friends were met at church. And it didn't happen overnight. And it didn't happen with just one gathering.  

I can remember joining a Sunday School class and feeling very much like I didn't fit in. I didn't talk much, and I looked around and feared others were judging me.  But I did make the decision to go back again and again. Although it took many weeks and months before I felt comfortable, I started attending socials at some of the member's houses. I would call them occasional for prayer. I would reach out.  See, that's the key. I didn't sit back and wait until someone else reached out to me. They may not reach out because they think you don't want to be reached out to.  Sometimes, we will take them not reaching out as a sign that they don't like us or care or want us around.  When in reality, they do care, but they simply don't know what to say or maybe have insecurities of their own. I'm so thankful, oh so many years ago that I began to reach out to make friendships within that class. Some of those very people are my best friends now. They came at a time when I desperately needed an ear. And they've been with me ever since.  

God places the lonely in families; he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy. But he makes the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land. Ps. 68:6 

I don't have much in the way of physical family. Many of my family members died when I was very young, and several had died through the years. But God has placed my lonely heart in a spiritual family – the local church. And it changed my life. It kept me from isolating and becoming more depressed.  And although it didn't happen overnight, I slowly found the strength to move on past my past. You can do. Whenever you feel the desire to isolate, fight it! In fact, push harder to get out and do things with other people!  Take your kids to the park or mall, even when you don't feel like it, and bring a friend along too. Invite a friend over to dinner, even when you aren't in the best of moods. Get out and serve at a local homeless shelter or food bank and invite your Bible study group to come along.   

There are dozens of ways to keep yourself busy and involve others while doing so. Not only will it help keep you from slipping into a dangerous depression, but you may just make some new friends during what could've been the darkest days of your life.      

Jennifer Maggio is a mom to three, wife to Jeff, and founder of the national nonprofit, The Life of a Single Mom Ministries. She is author to four books, including The Church and the Single Mom. She was named one of the Top 10 Most Influential People in America by Dr. John Maxwell in 2017 and 2015 and has appeared in hundreds of media venues, including The New York Times, Family Talk Radio with Dr. James Dobson, Joni and Friends, and many others.