How to “Not Provoke Your Child to Anger”

The Bible contains a wealth of vital guidance for parents, including a famous verse that urges, “do not provoke your child to anger.” That Bible verse, Ephesians 6:4, presents parenting advice in the context of how families can relate to each other faithfully. But what does it mean to not provoke your child to anger? Breaking down the meaning of Ephesians 6:4 uncovers valuable wisdom you can use to enjoy a healthy family life together. 

What Is the Context of Ephesians 6:4?

Ephesians 6:4 says: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” The context of this verse is within a section called “Children and Parents” that begins the sixth chapter of Ephesians and comprises verses 1 through 4: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’ (this is the first commandment with a promise), ‘that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.’ Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” This brief section refers to a command that God previously gave faithful people, which is recorded in Exodus 20:12: “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.” The focus of this section of the Bible is on how children and parents alike can live with faith and experience God’s blessings as a result. It encourages healthy family relationships in which both children and their parents relate to each other, and to God, with a strong faith that empowers them to thrive. Since fathers are biblically the spiritual head of their families, this verse is addressed to them, but it also applies to mothers. 

The Apostle Paul, who wrote the Book of Ephesians, continues after that section to give advice to bondservants and masters. Then he describes the spiritual armor of God that believers can put on through prayer for strength and protection. Ephesians 6:10-12 urges: “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, so that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” That section emphasizes the reality of spiritual warfare happening in our fallen world, which impacts our relationships with each other and God. Finally, Paul concludes the chapter with wishes for peace, love, and grace.

What Does it Mean When it Says, “Do Not Provoke Your Child to Anger”?

The meaning of “do not provoke your child to anger” is to not exasperate your child – to avoid harsh or frustrating interactions, but instead choose to be loving. When you’re relating to your son or daughter, it’s important to do so with loving words and actions. Ephesians 6:4 connects not provoking children to anger with bringing them up as God has instructed. God calls all parents to treat their children with love in all situations. That’s how God relates us to us as his spiritual children. So, this verse points to God’s example of what parenting should look like. You can seek God’s help in stressful situations to avoid provoking your child to anger, no matter what. 

How to “Not Provoke Your Child to Anger”

Here are three key ways to follow the advice in Ephesians 6:4, even in the most challenging circumstances:

1. Resist behaviors that are likely to provoke your children to anger. Those behaviors include: setting standards for your children that are unrealistic for them to achieve, speaking to your children with mean or harsh words, yelling at them, expecting your children to behave in ways that you aren’t modeling yourself, showing favoritism for one child over another, punishing your children for misbehavior with shaming words or physical violence, neglecting to listen to your children, failing to encourage your children regularly, and being overprotective of your children rather than giving them more freedom to make their own choices as they grow older. All of those behaviors provoke anger in children and seriously damage relationships between children and parents. If you’re struggling with parenting, seek help through resources such as counseling to bring positive change to your family. When you make mistakes as a parent, keep in mind that there is “no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). God is for you, not against you, and he is willing to help with whatever you need. 

2. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you develop patience and gentleness. Two of the “fruit of the Spirit” mentioned in Galatians 5:22-23 – patience and gentleness – are vital to not provoke your child to anger. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit will help you develop both qualities. My book Wake Up to Wonder, which covers each fruit of the Spirit, discusses well-being research revealing that both patience and gentleness help us notice God at work around us. The more you work with the Holy Spirit to be patient and gentle with your children, the more you can recognize the wonder of God’s presence with you – which will then inspire you to keep working with the Holy Spirit. You can keep growing in patience and gentleness every day by intentionally cultivating it through the Holy Spirit’s guidance. When stressful situations arise with your children, reach out for the Holy Spirit’s help in the moment, as well.

3. Pray for your relationships with your children regularly. Stay in regular communication with God about your relationships with each of your children. You can pray with confidence that God will guide you through every situation you face with them. Ask God often for the wisdom you need to parent your children as he calls you to – with love that inspires them to trust their heavenly Father. Through prayer, you can not only avoid provoking your children to anger, but you can also fulfill the last part of Ephesians 6:4 (“bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”). Prayer is your lifeline as a parent. No matter what stressful circumstances you encounter with your children, you can turn your worries into prayers and experience God’s peace as a result. Philippians 4:6-7 promises: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” So, pray about everything you need for your relationships with each of your children, and look forward to what God will do for your family. 

Conclusion

It’s important to try not to provoke your children to anger in order to be the kind of parent God calls you to be. While you’ll sometimes face stressful situations with your children, you can avoid provoking them to anger if you focus on loving your children like God loves you. Reach out to God for the help you need to resist provoking parenting behaviors, develop patience and gentleness, and build strong relationships with your children. Then God’s love will flow through your life into your children’s lives, empowering your family to thrive.

Photo Credit: © Getty Images/Bicho_raro 

Whitney Hopler is the author of the Wake Up to Wonder book and the Wake Up to Wonder blog, which help people thrive through experiencing awe. She leads the communications work at George Mason University’s Center for the Advancement of Well-Being. Whitney has served as a writer, editor, and website developer for leading media organizations, including Crosswalk.com, The Salvation Army USA’s national publications, and Dotdash.com (where she produced a popular channel on angels and miracles). She has also written the young adult novel Dream Factory. Connect with Whitney on X/Twitter and on Facebook.