5 Times Divorce Is Not a Sin

One of the clearest biblical situations in which divorce isn’t a sin is when sexual unfaithfulness has happened. Marriage is meant to be a covenant of faithfulness between a husband and wife. Adultery breaks the fundamental promise of sexual faithfulness that marriage involves. Jesus talks about this in Matthew 19:9: “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” The same teaching appears in Matthew 5:32, where Jesus says: “But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”

This doesn’t mean that spouses need to divorce if adultery has happened in their marriage. They can definitely choose forgiveness, counseling, repentance, and restoration with God’s help. But both spouses need to be willing to do so. God just asks that couples forgive each other; not that they reconcile – especially if repentance hasn’t truly happened. Spouses can always forgive, with God’s help, by letting go of revenge and trusting God to bring justice out of the situation. But reconciliation isn’t always possible, because it depends on both spouses choosing to rebuild trust over time. 

So, if your spouse has committed adultery, God isn’t forcing you to stay in a marriage that has been fundamentally violated. The Bible gives you room for divorce in this situation. If you’re the person who committed adultery, there is grace for you, too. God promises in 1 John 1:9: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” God expects you to really repent by taking responsibility for your sin instead of making excuses, and learning from your mistake by turning away from it and making healthier and holier decisions. Even if you do so, it’s still up to your spouse to decide whether or not your marriage can continue, because he or she must be able to trust you going forward.

Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Andrey Popov 

The Bible never commands a spouse to stay in a dangerous marriage so they can prove they’re faithful to God. This is an important distinction, because the Bible’s teaching about marriage is sometimes used to pressure people into staying in situations that are dangerous. Jesus teaches us to love others, and that involves respecting people and caring for their well-being. The Bible often condemns violence, cruelty, and the misuse of power, while encouraging love and respect. For example, Ephesians 5:25 tells husbands to love their wives “just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

Biblical marriage never gives one spouse permission to control, intimidate, threaten, or harm the other. Ephesians 5:28-29 goes on to describe the husband loving his wife as he loves his own body and caring for her. Likewise, Colossians 3:19 urges: “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.” These passages matter when we think about abuse. We should never dismiss physical violence, sexual abuse, severe emotional abuse or control, and credible threats of harm as just “marital problems.” They are actually serious violations of the love God commands us to show one another.

Sometimes the first step is separation and getting to a safe place. Separation can give a spouse time to seek protection, counseling, legal advice, and financial help. In serious cases, divorce may ultimately be necessary. Some Christians worry that leaving an abusive spouse means they are failing to “submit” to biblical teaching. But biblical submission involves submitting to God and each other, not submitting to someone else’s sin. There should be reverence involved, as Ephesians 5:21 says: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” God doesn’t need you to stay in a dangerous home to prove that you love him.

Psalm 82:3-4 calls us to defend the weak and rescue those who are vulnerable. Proverbs 31:8-9 calls God’s people to speak up against evil for those who can’t speak for themselves. If you’re experiencing abuse, please take that danger seriously. Seek help from trusted people and appropriate professional or emergency resources. Getting somewhere safe is not selfish, and protecting your life and your children’s lives is important.

 Photo Credit: ©Getty/Serghei-Turcanu

Another situation the Bible addresses is abandonment by an unbelieving spouse. In 1 Corinthians chapter 7, Paul writes to Christians who were married to people who didn’t share their faith. Some believers may have wondered whether they should leave their marriages because their spouses weren’t Christian. Paul writes in verses 12-15: “… If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.”

So, if an unbelieving spouse is willing to remain in the marriage, the Christian shouldn’t automatically seek a divorce. But if an unbelieving spouse chooses to leave the marriage, the Christian is “not bound” in such circumstances. That phrase has been understood by many Christians as giving permission for the abandoned believer to accept the end of the marriage rather than being forced to maintain a marriage that the other person has already rejected. One spouse can’t force the other to remain committed.

Some Christians carry tremendous guilt after being abandoned. They worry about regrets and think that if they had done something differently, maybe their spouse wouldn’t have left. But no one can control another person’s choices. If your spouse isn’t a Christian and has abandoned your marriage, you don’t need to worry about your regrets or about trying to convince your spouse to return. Just remember that God hasn’t abandoned you. Hold onto God’s promise in Psalm 34:18: “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted.” As you do, look for ways you can notice God’s presence with you throughout your day, and enjoy connecting with God and feeling his love as much as you can.

Photo Credit: © Unsplash/Engin Akyurt 

Marriage is a covenant, but covenant faithfulness involves more than simply remaining legally married. A person can live in the same house as their spouse while completely abandoning the responsibilities of faithful care that marriage requires. The Bible clearly calls people to repentance. When someone sins, the biblical pattern is to address the sinful behavior, not to ignore it.

Jesus teaches in Matthew 18:15-17 that we should confront serious, unrepentant sin with witnesses, and if the people who are sinning refuse to listen and repent, eventually we must separate them from the community. Imagine a spouse who repeatedly sins against his or her spouse, refuses every attempt at accountability, continues acting destructively, rejects counseling, and shows no willingness to change. In a situation like that, the spouse who isn’t listening or repenting is persistently refusing the covenant responsibilities of marriage.

Paul’s teaching in 1 Corinthians 5 also demonstrates how seriously the early church was instructed to take serious, unrepentant wrongdoing. Christians are not called to provide endless cover for destructive behavior. At the same time, there is an important distinction between imperfect people who are genuinely trying to change and people who repeatedly harm others while refusing responsibility. Every husband and wife will fail sometimes. Every marriage will contain conflict. But God wants every spouse to keep learning and growing spiritually. Spouses who say they’re sorry and try to change are very different than spouses who don’t think they did anything wrong and don’t stop sinning against God and their spouse.

Grace gives people the opportunity to repent and be restored. But if your spouse continually rejects that opportunity and destroys your marriage through persistent, serious sin, divorce may be something you consider.

Photo Credit: © Getty Images/Martin Barraud 

If a spouse entirely closes his or her heart to a marriage, that effectively forces the relationship to dissolve. In that case, divorce may be permissible for the other spouse. Jesus tells Pharisees in Matthew 19:8: “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard.” That statement reminds us that the reality of human brokenness in this fallen world leads to some people preventing themselves from fulfilling God’s plan for marriage because they’ve chosen to harden their hearts.

A spouse with a hard heart can destroy trust in his or her marriage. Sometimes, years of damage from broken trust create a situation in which reconciliation is no longer realistically possible. Christians should never treat divorce casually. But unfortunately, there are times when spouses have made every reasonable effort to restore their marriage (through prayer, counseling, help from pastors, and trying to change destructive behavior) and one or both spouses recognize that the marriage can’t be restored. While divorce isn’t God’s desire, God still meets people in the painful reality of this broken world and compassionately gives people mercy and grace.

Psalm 147:3 says that God “heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” So, if you’re in a marriage with a spouse whose heart is hard, God cares, and he will help you heal no matter what your future holds. Romans 8:1 promises that “there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,” so you can also be sure that God won’t condemn you if you choose a divorce in that situation.

Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Valentina Shilkina