Steve Wright one-liners
Published
Jan 01, 1900
1. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
2. I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
3. Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
4. What's another word for "thesaurus"?
5. When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
6. When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child...eventually.
8. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
9. I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
10. I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
11. I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
12. I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer & farther, trying to see it clearly).... and says, "Here, you can go."
13. I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
14. I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops..."
15. I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
16. I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
17. My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
18. I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
19. I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
20. I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
21. I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
22. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
23. A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and.......oohh, that's much better.
v 24. I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
25. I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
26. Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
2. I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
3. Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
4. What's another word for "thesaurus"?
5. When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
6. When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child...eventually.
8. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
9. I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
10. I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
11. I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
12. I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer & farther, trying to see it clearly).... and says, "Here, you can go."
13. I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
14. I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops..."
15. I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
16. I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
17. My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
18. I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
19. I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
20. I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
21. I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
22. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
23. A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and.......oohh, that's much better.
v 24. I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
25. I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
26. Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
Originally published November 14, 2002.
