My first set of 2009 resolutions was such a bust. "Intellectually mesmerizing." Right. Meanwhile, I think Columbus discovered Ohio. Forget it.

Here are my new 2009 resolutions:

1. Gain about 15 pounds.

2. Drink so much coffee every morning that by the time my wife gets up I'm like a rabid werewolf in the throes of an acute anxiety attack.

3. Practically never write the kids we support through Compassion International.

4. Vacuum our house so rarely our dust bunnies grow teeth and start attacking our feet.

5. Steward our finances like Skipper stewarded the Minnow.

6. Watch at least 20 DVD's for every half book I read.

7. Dress like I shop online at

8. Have so many impure thoughts my brain makes Hugh Hefner's look like the Church Lady's.

Whoo-hoo! This is gonna be my year!!

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